The beauty of my thievery is not only the fact I’m not obliged to be armed and dangerous, but also I don’t have to apply makeup or leave home to pull-off the heist.
The unpleasant part of the crime is I am sometimes caught in the act or prior to the robbery I ask permission to take something that doesn’t belong to me. Big mistake. After many years of doing this, I’ve found stealth and subterfuge are the best methods.
Have a good alibi. Do any necessary explaining after the fact if you get caught.
You may be a far better person than I and wouldn’t dream of such undercover tactics, in that case, let me say right this minute: I admire you for your honesty, but honestly sometimes it wastes so much time whiningand begging when you want instant gratification that you no longer want what you wanted. (Are you with me?)
I steal what I like from drawers and closets. Nuance: They are not my drawers or closets. I pilfer from My-Reason-for-Living-in-France. If he says something like: “Have you seen my navy blue cashmere V-neck sweater?” I will reply, “Just a second, let me look for it.” Then I produce the sweater. (You see, I don’t lie even though I steal.)
Here then is some of my favorite loot. . .
TOP 10: Things I Steal
1.) Cuff-links: The silk braided ones in a variety of colors from Charvet and a pair of Art Deco onyx and mother-of-pearl with a tiny diamond in the center — love those. I’m actually considering coming right out and asking if I could please turn one of them into a pair of earrings — both sides are onyx, mother-of-pearl and diamond. (Now you’re asking yourself, what will he do with one cuff link? I need more time to think about this.)
3.) Neckties: Used as belts. He has 75,000 ties and wears only two of them so it’s not as if this is a capital crime.
4.) Above mentioned V-neck sweaters.
5.) His watch. This I admit is verrrrry tricky and requires my highly developed persuasion skills. Even someone as clever as I cannot just rip-off a Cartier Tank watch. I confess I’ve failed on occasion.
6.) Chanel Monsieur cologne. Since I smell just like he does, it’s hard for him to notice whether it’s me or him.
8.) His pleated front tuxedo shirt. We have the same length arms — 34 inches.
9.) Linen handkerchiefs. Love handkerchiefs period, but men’s are the best.
10.) Burlington argyle socks. He has them in every imaginable color combo — thanks to me, I might add — which I sometimes wear with my moccasins in the winter.